My Truth.

It's been almost 6 months since I've heard your voice.

6 months of peace.

6 months of happiness.

6 months of freedom.

"I just want to talk. You owe me that much."

I listen to the voicemail and nearly throw my phone into the wall.

You were supposed to leave me alone.

I put up with you for over 17 years.

It took 17 years for it to end. 

For me to to end it.

Now you think you have the right to contact me?

Uh...Nope. Sorry. 

I don't think so.

Maybe you don't remember but I do.

My past was out of my hands. My future is out of yours.

I truly wish you the best, but that doesn't mean

that I ever want to see your ugly mug again.

Actions have consequences and you think you're immune. 

Guess what? You're not. 

This time the tables have turned. I'm calling the shots.

This time I choose me. Not you.

This time I win. Not you.

I refuse to see you. 

I refuse to hear you. 

I refuse to become you.

We've All Been There.

11:32 P.M.

My head hits the my pillow with a soft thud, I tuck my blanket under my chin and burrow into my bed for my nightly hibernation. 

All is right in the world at this precise moment. I got an A on my math test, I finished all of my homework early, my room is clean for the first time in months, and even though I got off work 2 hours late, everything is alright tonight.

The peace that surrounds me is like warm honey. My eyelids are heavy and all I can think about is giving into the deep sleep that is enveloping me.  And then the inner ramblings start...

"If I go to sleep right now, I will only get 6 hours of sleep." 

"I forgot about my online homework that is due tomorrow!"

"Get up and do it! NO. Take the 0 and do it later. DO IT NOW! No. I will just get up early and do it."

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

I shift and find a new spot.
A comfortable spot.
I'm not comfortable.
This sucks.

My inner ramblings have rid me of my peaceful slumber. My body aches for sleep but my mind has decided against it. My bed is suddenly too hot. I kick my blankets off and lie as stiff as a board. 

"What should I wear tomorrow?" 

"Who cares. I hate high school."

"I have work tomorrow. I wonder if I can get it off...?"

"The picture on my wall is crooked...maybe I should straighten it"

really?

"I'm cold again."

"I can't believe I did that today...I'm an idiot."

"Why are my neighbors playing music right now?"

"This is getting ridiculous. Now I only get 5 1/2 hours of sleep."

"Alright... start counting sheep. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.... Screw it."

I turn my light on and grab a book. 

Ten pages in I fall alseep. 

This Abyss

The sensation of utter calm and peace floats over me as I sink to the darkest depths. I know this is it. I have glued my eyes shut so I don't have to witness my impending doom. The calm that surrounds my body is terrifying. I open my eyes ever so slightly to catch my last glimpse of the sun and life. The fish swim in chipper little schools all around me.

The farther I descend the ominous they become. The small fish become sparse as I sink into the deepest, darkest depths. I feel as if this should be painful. Shouldn't my chest be burning, aching? Shouldn't I be fighting? Has my desire for life been overridden my submission to you. To the pain.

I notice a quaint little group of fish circling me, I think I smile at their animated twirls as they swim around me, but I can't be sure. The deep, cruel depths I am sinking to have chilled me to my core. I am numb. Dying.

The slow descent of misery and pain mixed with finality and peace has me numb to everything. How could I expect you to be quick about it?

My quick demise would make quick work of your game.

You love your game.

You love my suffering.

You don't love me.

I have sunk to the darkest depths, this abyss is so dark and cold I couldn't see even if the salt water wasn't searing my eyes. The vivacious little fish, that I feel fluttering around me, freeze and are gone in a flash. I try to reason as to why they would leave...and then I know.

They swam for their lives, unlike me.

You approach...ever the predator trapping your prey.

You circle closer and closer with each rotation. This is it. It's finally going to be over. I will finally find the peace I deserve.

BAM!

I wake up.
It takes me a few minutes to regain control of my breathing. It was just a dream. No. A nightmare. This happens every night. I should be used to it, but I'm not.

I never will be.

I know that I am alive, and you are far away, but sometimes I wish I was gone so I didn't have to live the rest of my life constantly wondering what your next move is going to be. 

I was young and you have always been a monster. 

I will grow and deal.

But you will always be you.
 

For that I pity you.

I'm sorry that you have to live with yourself.
 

I'm sorry that you have to be you.

You are a sad, small, pathetic person.
 

You are you, and you have to live with that. 

Legos.

Love is like a Lego. 

Solid. Secure. Painful. 

Build it up. Knock it down. 

Start over. 

Build. Knock down.

Get angry. Start a lego fight. 

Launch those legos sky high.

Remember the bright colors 

laced with lego smiles.

Step on a lego. Cry. Scream. 

Reconcile. Start over. 

Build your legos up. 

Build your Lego House.

Trust them. 

If you build your legos up 

and you still aren't happy, 

knock those legos of love over,

tear them down and start over. 

Legos give you the chance to 

keep tearing down and starting 

over until you get it right. 

Build. Step on that lego. 

Get angry and frustrated,

but remember the joy of that 

lego fight of love. 

Love legos. Love love.

humans.

Humans...

We evolve. Yep! I said it. As human beings we evolved. If it wasn't for evolution, men would still be wearing tights and woman would still be viewed as property. That's cute. 

Anyway. Evolution is the key to being human. People don't change but the world around them does and therefore adaptation occurs. Try to image a time not so long ago when children used to play outside with their friends instead of online with strangers; and when 8 year olds weren't granted cell phones and dressing like the cast of Jersey Shore. It sounds like such a far away place... The sad truth is, it is a time we will never see again. Human beings have become addicted the "hand held hype" they can carry, they have passed it onto their children, and quite frankly it is an epidemic. Children should be playing in dirt not launching birds at pigs.