This Abyss

The sensation of utter calm and peace floats over me as I sink to the darkest depths. I know this is it. I have glued my eyes shut so I don't have to witness my impending doom. The calm that surrounds my body is terrifying. I open my eyes ever so slightly to catch my last glimpse of the sun and life. The fish swim in chipper little schools all around me.

The farther I descend the ominous they become. The small fish become sparse as I sink into the deepest, darkest depths. I feel as if this should be painful. Shouldn't my chest be burning, aching? Shouldn't I be fighting? Has my desire for life been overridden my submission to you. To the pain.

I notice a quaint little group of fish circling me, I think I smile at their animated twirls as they swim around me, but I can't be sure. The deep, cruel depths I am sinking to have chilled me to my core. I am numb. Dying.

The slow descent of misery and pain mixed with finality and peace has me numb to everything. How could I expect you to be quick about it?

My quick demise would make quick work of your game.

You love your game.

You love my suffering.

You don't love me.

I have sunk to the darkest depths, this abyss is so dark and cold I couldn't see even if the salt water wasn't searing my eyes. The vivacious little fish, that I feel fluttering around me, freeze and are gone in a flash. I try to reason as to why they would leave...and then I know.

They swam for their lives, unlike me.

You approach...ever the predator trapping your prey.

You circle closer and closer with each rotation. This is it. It's finally going to be over. I will finally find the peace I deserve.

BAM!

I wake up.
It takes me a few minutes to regain control of my breathing. It was just a dream. No. A nightmare. This happens every night. I should be used to it, but I'm not.

I never will be.

I know that I am alive, and you are far away, but sometimes I wish I was gone so I didn't have to live the rest of my life constantly wondering what your next move is going to be. 

I was young and you have always been a monster. 

I will grow and deal.

But you will always be you.
 

For that I pity you.

I'm sorry that you have to live with yourself.
 

I'm sorry that you have to be you.

You are a sad, small, pathetic person.
 

You are you, and you have to live with that.