clinging to me.

Clinging to me.
Like the last breath
you would breathe.

Close your eyes.
Let me go.
Please.

I know you care.
But I'm done with trouble.

You're trouble,
You can't hide it.

I'm just saving myself from you.
From the ruin.

I used to run to the door when
I thought you were there.
Now I run away.

I'm just saving myself.

You are like ice in my veins.
A constant winter.

This is not how things
should have been
and I dream.

I dream that you care.
I know you try to care.
But you never learned how.

I'm dying and you don't care.
I'm reaching for the light.

You are just saving
yourself from the bullet.
I will bear it.

But I still hope.
I still dream.
Because I know you care.

You have to care.

But I don't care.
I have tried and died.



*inspired by:
"I Know You Care" by Ellie Goulding

Russia.

Sometimes I wonder where I would go if I could just run away and escape everything here.

This prison. 

I came to a conclusion today while having a panic attack. 

Russia.

I would get a one way ticket to russia and I wouldn't look back.

Some say that it's cold and full of drunks with bottles of vodka. 

Well you're a cold drunk full of vodka. 

I think I will take my chances on Russia and their drunks.

I'm sick of mine. 

I won't completely forget about you though.

I'll send a postcard.

But if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath.

I did and I ended up in Russia.

Sincerely, 

     You're good for nothing kid.

*I found my Paris in Russia.*

Freedom

Rock out like you just passed that test. Like you didn't just pass, you aced it. 

Rock out like it's the last day of school. Like it's Christmas

Rock out like it's warm enough to wear shorts. Like its cold enough to make hot chocolate. 

Rock out like you're the nice guy and you finished first.

Like you finally got the girl. 

Rock out like you're graduating . 

Like you will finally be done with high school. 

Rock out like you will finally be free to be you. 

Like you're finally free. 

Duct Tape Can't Fix You

The inner turmoil to be perfect.

The lack of perfection.

The bumps and bruises.

The internal bleeding. 

The ache at the loss of someone you love.

The ache to rid yourself of someone you hate.

The need to rebel.

The need to be perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Never quite good enough.

If only the duct tape could patch the blemishes that displease you so.

could make me a little more perfect.

A little better at school.

A little faster on the field.

A little better looking.

A little more everything.

For you.

But duct tape isn't magic. It's duct tape.

I can pretend to be perfect. 

But I'm not, and neither are you.

Things duct tape can't fix...

You.

Me.

Us.

It went like this

"Mommy...? Mommy...?! Mommy!!"

Mommy wasn't there.

Mommy was never there.

Mommy didn't know.

I needed Mommy.

Mommy how did you not know?

You had to have known...

Was I just that good?

Were my skills of deception so keen that I had you convinced?

Or were you just turning a blind eye?

Tell me Mommy.

Because I need to know.

Did you know?

Did you fall so easily to the trickery of a child...

or did you just refuse to see the proof right in front of your eyes.

I guess that's partially my fault.

I knew how much you loved me.

I knew how much I loved him.

I knew if I ever told you how bad it was,

you would take him away from me.

I should have let you take me away from him.

It doesn't heal.

He hurt me irrevocably.

I know you tried Mommy.

I know you love me.

But you were the only one capable of ending it.

It should have ended.

It didn't end.

Black. Blue. Yellow. Green. Purple. 

I'm sorry. 

He can keep his 'I Love You's' and 'I'm Sorry's'.

I don't even have the energy left to care.

Let's just face the truth. 

He's just familiar a stranger. 

Nothing more.

I needed you Mommy. 

Jump!

Most of us spend our time too afraid of death to ever risk... anything. 

Why shouldn't we walk the fine line between life and death? 

Who says we can't all do whatever the hell we want?  

I say let's do it. 

Jump out of that plane!

Prove to death that it's not your time. Not yet. 

Prove to life that you are worth it. This is your time. To live.

Do something stupid. Ask her on a date. Adopt a monkey. 

I don't know... but don't make a bucket list. Live one. 

Be the senile old person who you're mildly afraid of but kind of love.

Be that person who can look back without any regrets and say stuff like...

I swarm with sharks, I fell in love in Paris, I was in a band... 

"I lived a life like any minute might be my last and I wouldn't change a second of it."

Live your life like the stories of someone who has lived theirs.