The End.

We fell in love with the city of love. We learned about love. We learned how to love. We learned that duct tape can't fix anything, or maybe it fixes everything. We learned that sometimes we remember the same things, and that stealing is okay. We learned about death, but more importantly we learned about life. We learned that life is too short to spend our time in a well paying job that we hate. We learned to follow our dreams to Paris.

For the last time,

The Obsessed Mess.

Adieu Paris.

So, this is it. We bid one another adieu and move on.

For a few months we shared a class and found our own way to be a little indie. Now we are going to go off to different classes with different people and different teachers. We will see each other in the halls and act as if we don't know each other and move on. Most will forget paris and everything we have learned together, but some won't.

Some will remember Paris, I hope to never forget. Paris was where I found out that in the long run, money isn't as important as happiness, that a degree in english is crap and sometimes a journal is your lifeline. Wandering Paris was where I found myself; who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

This class allowed me to roam the streets of Paris, to discover myself and learn that we are all trying to find our own Paris. None of us really know what the hell is going on, or what is going to happen tomorrow, but we will always have Paris.

Thank you Mr. Nelson, for introducing us to Paris and allowing us to find our own.

it's time for everyone to just give up.

Alright... I have something to say. 

I'm tired. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm sick of school, I'm ready to leave.

I'm sick of the people, I'm ready for them to leave.

I'm sick of it all. 

I could make a list of all of the reasons that I am just sick and tired. Sick and tired of it all...

But I won't. That isn't fair to you, and in a world that isn't fair, I shall show you mercy. 

 I do not know what you have gone through today and I doubt you want to hear my ramblings... but here they are. Making little to no sense, but here they are none the less. 

Now you know my fellow students... I am exhausted and this whole growing up bit is kicking my ass. 

I have literally told you nothing.

how rude.

"You shouldn't have done that. It was rude."

Uh...yeah. That was the point. 

I didn't do what I did and think to myself... "Wow... you are just the coolest thing since sliced bread."

Okay... yeah I did think that, but it didn't have anything to do with thinking my actions were kind. It had everything to with the fact that my actions were justified in some warped way by my dysfunctional mind. 

 Oh... and... uh... 

"Yes you look fat in that dress."

fish up in a tree.

"Cats shouldn't eat artificially died, foam cranberries."

"That's... profound."

In my short time I have learned that people preach common sense but struggle with actually applying it.

Yeah... I'm talking to you. My muse. My inspiration.

You're great, don't get me wrong... but you're just a fish climbing a tree.

not common sense. 

cheers to you.

I will lie until I get it right.
It might take me my whole life, but I will make it happen.
I will fake it until I make it. I will lie, cheat and steal.
I will make it.
I will be the best.
I can be the only one.
You must be the only one.
We must be the best.
Here, there can only be one, but they expect us to ALL be the one who wins.
You shove your views down our throats.
You drive your children to the brink and then you wonder why.
We are driven to the edge...almost falling. always.
Right as we reach the edge we are given slack and we come back.
People die, people cry.
It ends, it begins.
This place will be the end of us all if we don't get out.
I will get out. I will not allow them to force me to be what they"know" I have to be.
I will be what I want to be.
When I want to be that and I will do it my way.
I will succeed and I will make it, but only because you taught me that it is the ONLY way.
I will lie, cheat and steal to get what I want,
because you told be that that is the only way to get it.
So cheers to you and your screwed up values.
Turn a blind eye and act like you don't see.
We all know that you do.
So cheers to you. 

left alone to die.

running down a dead end street.

 bury me under the rubble.

"The first draft of anything is shit."   ~Ernest Hemingway

I didn't do a first draft.

how to eat cupcake. the right way.

Listen up peeps. Apparently we have all been eating cupcakes wrong.

I know, I know. You are sitting there thinking... "don't tell me how to eat a cupcake. I know how to eat a cupcake."

While yes. I am sure that as a capable human person, you can in fact eat food, but that is not what I am trying to teach you.  I am simply trying to tell you that you are nothing more than a simple-minded fool (join the club) who has no idea how to properly eat a tiny desert. Anyway...if you do not know how to properly eat a cupcake and would love some assistance, keep reading.

1. remove the buttery, revolting outer paper liner and set liner aside.

2. pick up the cupcake. good. we are off to a good start. hold it with to hands, one holding the bottom half and one holding the top half of cake.

3. while keeping the cupcake still, and in place with the hand holding the top, take the bottom hand and twist off the bottom half of the cupcake. good, good, getting better.

4. Now that you have one piece of cake with frosting and one without, set the cupcake half with frosting down on the cupcake liner you set aside.

5. take the last half of cake and place it on top of the frosting, so you have a cupcake sandwich.

Cake, Frosting, Cake. Yum.

6. Eat.

Now we have the perfect "frosting v. cake" ratio in every bite. No more messy faces or fingers... just delicious cupcakes all day.

It's Over.

In a matter of hours I will be in Ohio, running from the New York skyline.

We're All Mad Here.

I hate this place
As Jane Austen so eloquently wrote,
"it is not merely this affair, on which my dislike is founded.
I hate this place.
Tick. tock.
I hate this place.
All hell breaks loose.
"Any words of advice?"
"Stay Alive."
"Thanks."
"No problem kid. Just keep talking."
But if I cry I get another hour. I learned not to cry.
She must have know about the problem with the jewelry box,
but you're not supposed to talk back to grown-ups.
Tick. Tock. Sings the clock.
I hate this place.
This is just someone's memory of life.
A voluntary prison with discipline.
Tick. Tock.
An error: "too much, too soon."
They were sick with horror...
There was no sound.
At this point being crazy is the least of my worries.
The clocks here tell nothing but time.
I hate this place.

God Save The Queen.

Drinking champagne. 

Because I remember the day it ended. 

The day I walked away.

Stars slide down the morning sky to find a place to die.

I will not rest. I am drinking champagne. 

Meant for a wedding. 

A fairytale ending. 

Drinking champagne going by the name of Glitter.

Dancing in circles.

I feel celestial.

  

*Marina*

I Remember.

I remember eating macaroni and cheese while coloring in coloring books.  I remember spending every free second of summer at the pool. I remember all of the homes. I remember all of the schools.  I remember packing.  Lots and lots of packing.  I remember dad picking me up for the weekend.  I remember eating sticks of butter.

I remember doctors, surgery, cops, and you.  I remember you the way I wish I always could.  I remember when you were my everything and no one could ever be bigger or better than you.  I remember when I learned the truth.  I remember when I finally figured out what the saying "ignorance is bliss" meant.  I remember a childhood that I don't remember.

I remember growing up at 6 years old.  I remember going to the movies for 14 years.  I remember being left alone for days while you were gone.  I don't remember where you went.  I remember not eating while I was with you.  Days without food... great parenting.

I remember the day I hated you with such intense passion I thought I would burst at the seams.  I remember the day I learned that my hatred fueled your fire.  I remember the day that I learned to forgive, but never forget.  I remember the day I said goodbye.  I remember what freedom finally felt like.

clinging to me.

Clinging to me.
Like the last breath
you would breathe.

Close your eyes.
Let me go.
Please.

I know you care.
But I'm done with trouble.

You're trouble,
You can't hide it.

I'm just saving myself from you.
From the ruin.

I used to run to the door when
I thought you were there.
Now I run away.

I'm just saving myself.

You are like ice in my veins.
A constant winter.

This is not how things
should have been
and I dream.

I dream that you care.
I know you try to care.
But you never learned how.

I'm dying and you don't care.
I'm reaching for the light.

You are just saving
yourself from the bullet.
I will bear it.

But I still hope.
I still dream.
Because I know you care.

You have to care.

But I don't care.
I have tried and died.



*inspired by:
"I Know You Care" by Ellie Goulding

Russia.

Sometimes I wonder where I would go if I could just run away and escape everything here.

This prison. 

I came to a conclusion today while having a panic attack. 

Russia.

I would get a one way ticket to russia and I wouldn't look back.

Some say that it's cold and full of drunks with bottles of vodka. 

Well you're a cold drunk full of vodka. 

I think I will take my chances on Russia and their drunks.

I'm sick of mine. 

I won't completely forget about you though.

I'll send a postcard.

But if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath.

I did and I ended up in Russia.

Sincerely, 

     You're good for nothing kid.

*I found my Paris in Russia.*

Freedom

Rock out like you just passed that test. Like you didn't just pass, you aced it. 

Rock out like it's the last day of school. Like it's Christmas

Rock out like it's warm enough to wear shorts. Like its cold enough to make hot chocolate. 

Rock out like you're the nice guy and you finished first.

Like you finally got the girl. 

Rock out like you're graduating . 

Like you will finally be done with high school. 

Rock out like you will finally be free to be you. 

Like you're finally free. 

Duct Tape Can't Fix You

The inner turmoil to be perfect.

The lack of perfection.

The bumps and bruises.

The internal bleeding. 

The ache at the loss of someone you love.

The ache to rid yourself of someone you hate.

The need to rebel.

The need to be perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Never quite good enough.

If only the duct tape could patch the blemishes that displease you so.

could make me a little more perfect.

A little better at school.

A little faster on the field.

A little better looking.

A little more everything.

For you.

But duct tape isn't magic. It's duct tape.

I can pretend to be perfect. 

But I'm not, and neither are you.

Things duct tape can't fix...

You.

Me.

Us.

It went like this

"Mommy...? Mommy...?! Mommy!!"

Mommy wasn't there.

Mommy was never there.

Mommy didn't know.

I needed Mommy.

Mommy how did you not know?

You had to have known...

Was I just that good?

Were my skills of deception so keen that I had you convinced?

Or were you just turning a blind eye?

Tell me Mommy.

Because I need to know.

Did you know?

Did you fall so easily to the trickery of a child...

or did you just refuse to see the proof right in front of your eyes.

I guess that's partially my fault.

I knew how much you loved me.

I knew how much I loved him.

I knew if I ever told you how bad it was,

you would take him away from me.

I should have let you take me away from him.

It doesn't heal.

He hurt me irrevocably.

I know you tried Mommy.

I know you love me.

But you were the only one capable of ending it.

It should have ended.

It didn't end.

Black. Blue. Yellow. Green. Purple. 

I'm sorry. 

He can keep his 'I Love You's' and 'I'm Sorry's'.

I don't even have the energy left to care.

Let's just face the truth. 

He's just familiar a stranger. 

Nothing more.

I needed you Mommy. 

Jump!

Most of us spend our time too afraid of death to ever risk... anything. 

Why shouldn't we walk the fine line between life and death? 

Who says we can't all do whatever the hell we want?  

I say let's do it. 

Jump out of that plane!

Prove to death that it's not your time. Not yet. 

Prove to life that you are worth it. This is your time. To live.

Do something stupid. Ask her on a date. Adopt a monkey. 

I don't know... but don't make a bucket list. Live one. 

Be the senile old person who you're mildly afraid of but kind of love.

Be that person who can look back without any regrets and say stuff like...

I swarm with sharks, I fell in love in Paris, I was in a band... 

"I lived a life like any minute might be my last and I wouldn't change a second of it."

Live your life like the stories of someone who has lived theirs. 

My Truth.

It's been almost 6 months since I've heard your voice.

6 months of peace.

6 months of happiness.

6 months of freedom.

"I just want to talk. You owe me that much."

I listen to the voicemail and nearly throw my phone into the wall.

You were supposed to leave me alone.

I put up with you for over 17 years.

It took 17 years for it to end. 

For me to to end it.

Now you think you have the right to contact me?

Uh...Nope. Sorry. 

I don't think so.

Maybe you don't remember but I do.

My past was out of my hands. My future is out of yours.

I truly wish you the best, but that doesn't mean

that I ever want to see your ugly mug again.

Actions have consequences and you think you're immune. 

Guess what? You're not. 

This time the tables have turned. I'm calling the shots.

This time I choose me. Not you.

This time I win. Not you.

I refuse to see you. 

I refuse to hear you. 

I refuse to become you.

We've All Been There.

11:32 P.M.

My head hits the my pillow with a soft thud, I tuck my blanket under my chin and burrow into my bed for my nightly hibernation. 

All is right in the world at this precise moment. I got an A on my math test, I finished all of my homework early, my room is clean for the first time in months, and even though I got off work 2 hours late, everything is alright tonight.

The peace that surrounds me is like warm honey. My eyelids are heavy and all I can think about is giving into the deep sleep that is enveloping me.  And then the inner ramblings start...

"If I go to sleep right now, I will only get 6 hours of sleep." 

"I forgot about my online homework that is due tomorrow!"

"Get up and do it! NO. Take the 0 and do it later. DO IT NOW! No. I will just get up early and do it."

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

I shift and find a new spot.
A comfortable spot.
I'm not comfortable.
This sucks.

My inner ramblings have rid me of my peaceful slumber. My body aches for sleep but my mind has decided against it. My bed is suddenly too hot. I kick my blankets off and lie as stiff as a board. 

"What should I wear tomorrow?" 

"Who cares. I hate high school."

"I have work tomorrow. I wonder if I can get it off...?"

"The picture on my wall is crooked...maybe I should straighten it"

really?

"I'm cold again."

"I can't believe I did that today...I'm an idiot."

"Why are my neighbors playing music right now?"

"This is getting ridiculous. Now I only get 5 1/2 hours of sleep."

"Alright... start counting sheep. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.... Screw it."

I turn my light on and grab a book. 

Ten pages in I fall alseep. 

This Abyss

The sensation of utter calm and peace floats over me as I sink to the darkest depths. I know this is it. I have glued my eyes shut so I don't have to witness my impending doom. The calm that surrounds my body is terrifying. I open my eyes ever so slightly to catch my last glimpse of the sun and life. The fish swim in chipper little schools all around me.

The farther I descend the ominous they become. The small fish become sparse as I sink into the deepest, darkest depths. I feel as if this should be painful. Shouldn't my chest be burning, aching? Shouldn't I be fighting? Has my desire for life been overridden my submission to you. To the pain.

I notice a quaint little group of fish circling me, I think I smile at their animated twirls as they swim around me, but I can't be sure. The deep, cruel depths I am sinking to have chilled me to my core. I am numb. Dying.

The slow descent of misery and pain mixed with finality and peace has me numb to everything. How could I expect you to be quick about it?

My quick demise would make quick work of your game.

You love your game.

You love my suffering.

You don't love me.

I have sunk to the darkest depths, this abyss is so dark and cold I couldn't see even if the salt water wasn't searing my eyes. The vivacious little fish, that I feel fluttering around me, freeze and are gone in a flash. I try to reason as to why they would leave...and then I know.

They swam for their lives, unlike me.

You approach...ever the predator trapping your prey.

You circle closer and closer with each rotation. This is it. It's finally going to be over. I will finally find the peace I deserve.

BAM!

I wake up.
It takes me a few minutes to regain control of my breathing. It was just a dream. No. A nightmare. This happens every night. I should be used to it, but I'm not.

I never will be.

I know that I am alive, and you are far away, but sometimes I wish I was gone so I didn't have to live the rest of my life constantly wondering what your next move is going to be. 

I was young and you have always been a monster. 

I will grow and deal.

But you will always be you.
 

For that I pity you.

I'm sorry that you have to live with yourself.
 

I'm sorry that you have to be you.

You are a sad, small, pathetic person.
 

You are you, and you have to live with that. 

Legos.

Love is like a Lego. 

Solid. Secure. Painful. 

Build it up. Knock it down. 

Start over. 

Build. Knock down.

Get angry. Start a lego fight. 

Launch those legos sky high.

Remember the bright colors 

laced with lego smiles.

Step on a lego. Cry. Scream. 

Reconcile. Start over. 

Build your legos up. 

Build your Lego House.

Trust them. 

If you build your legos up 

and you still aren't happy, 

knock those legos of love over,

tear them down and start over. 

Legos give you the chance to 

keep tearing down and starting 

over until you get it right. 

Build. Step on that lego. 

Get angry and frustrated,

but remember the joy of that 

lego fight of love. 

Love legos. Love love.

humans.

Humans...

We evolve. Yep! I said it. As human beings we evolved. If it wasn't for evolution, men would still be wearing tights and woman would still be viewed as property. That's cute. 

Anyway. Evolution is the key to being human. People don't change but the world around them does and therefore adaptation occurs. Try to image a time not so long ago when children used to play outside with their friends instead of online with strangers; and when 8 year olds weren't granted cell phones and dressing like the cast of Jersey Shore. It sounds like such a far away place... The sad truth is, it is a time we will never see again. Human beings have become addicted the "hand held hype" they can carry, they have passed it onto their children, and quite frankly it is an epidemic. Children should be playing in dirt not launching birds at pigs.

Intro.

A fangirl.
A rabid breed of human female who is obesessed with some sort of celebrity/group/band.
Altohugh this breed of females could possibly be deemed unstable, I am not afraid to admit that I am a fangirl.
Not for One Direction, or some other teen heartthrob, but for writing.
I am a fangirl for writing.
Writing that is full of art, love, heartbreak, change, creativity, discovery, and acceptance.
Writing that is worth exploring.
Worth expressing for the world to see.